How Erotic Self-Focus Improves Your Sex Life, by Emma London

How Erotic Self-Focus Improves Your Sex Life

What is erotic self-focus and how to practise it


Sexuality always starts with yourself and your self-appreciation. If you don’t find yourself desirable, you will struggle in allowing your sexual partner to desire you.

Self-consciousness and negativity about your body have a negative impact on your sexual interactions, as the opposite also happens: your self-confidence and positive self-image will benefit them.

What is Erotic Self-Focus

Your sexual pleasure is your responsibility. You achieve it with your lover, but, overall, it’s your body, it’s your pleasure.

It’s important to let go of emotional and rational restraints you might have and embrace yourself as you truly are: a beautiful, sensual, and sexualized person.

Erotic self-focus is the practice of focusing on yourself during sex.

You can see it as auto-eroticism, as you focusing on your erotic self. Your positive self-image will be your primary source of pleasure: you are your turn-on.

How to grow your erotic self-focus

You must find time to spend quality time with your sexualized self. I’m not talking necessarily about masturbation, but about your body and what gives you erotic pleasure.

Often, something that prevents people from investing in their sexualised self is their negative self-image. That affects not only their relationship with themselves but also with others, especially with the ones they’re intimate with: the ones they spend time naked, exposed to.

Instead of being judgemental with your body, start being gentle. Practise self-acceptance.

If you don’t accept your body, how can you fully enjoy the pleasures of partnered sex? How can you invite someone into your intimacy and enjoy the moment in its full, if you’re not comfortable in your body?

Erotic self-care starts with accepting who you are, as you are.

You should keep working on the bits of your body you dislike, but always realistically.

By accepting yourself as you are, and working to be your best version, you are quieting your inner-critic voice and allowing yourself to feel beautiful — to enjoy your company, to be more compassionate towards yourself.

Giving this step forward — of accepting yourself as you are and be happy with it — you will be able to practise erotic self-focus. You will get to the point of being aroused at looking at yourself, of loving the image the mirror reflects.

There are several ways to get in touch with your intimate self, to practice erotic self-focus. Here are some ideas:

Erotic Self Focus activities

Your auto-eroticism can be manifested in several ways, it depends on your preferences and moods. My suggestion is for you to try the ones I’m listing and chose the ones you feel more comfortable and make you feel closer to your sexual self.

Explore other forms to entice your erotic self, don’t repress, don’t overthink it. Chase pleasure, without guilt or shame.

Erotic self-care

Self-care starts with stopping. Stop the motion: relax and enjoy the dolce fair niente.

Self-care also means quieting your inner critic voice. In what respects body image, our mental voices can be loud and harsh. And more often than not, unrealistic and unfair.

Your body is your own, no one should tell you how it should look like.

Beauty standards are subjective and ephemeral; constructed by fashion industries. As long as you have a healthy lifestyle, accept and love yourself as you are. Your beauty isn’t measured by your scale or body “imperfections”.

Acceptance and self-loving your body as it is won’t happen with wishful thinking, though. If you have a negative self-image, you won’t wake up tomorrow feeling the sexiest person on earth.

But if you put the seed in your mind and daily embrace the idea that you are, in fact, a beautiful, sexy and powerful person, you will fight your negative imprints effectively, and with long-term effects.

Getting in the mood for sex

Each one of us has their rituals when getting ready for sex.

Before I meet my lover, I have a long shower, washing my body while truly feeling it: my skin, my curves, my textures. I touch myself as a tease, to wake up my senses and my arousal.

After I shave my pubic’s, I imagine the sensation of my lover going down on me, exploring my vulva with his fingers.

I then choose a sexy lingerie that goes with my mood and after doing my hair (anticipating the pleasure of having my lover pulling it, hard, as I love), I pump up myself a bit. Nails, makeup, perfume…

Being on my best appearance makes me feel desirable.

During sex

When having sex with your lover, focus your attention to yourself: how you feel, how your body reacts, what you wish and crave. Then make it happen.

Focus your attention to your sexual pleasure.

This has nothing to do with being selfish in sex. You will still offer pleasure to your lover, but instead of being more attentive to their reactions of pleasure, you are more to yours.

During sex, see yourself through your lover’s eyes.

Imagine how you look, visualise your sex faces, pay attention to your vocalisations. Focus on yourself!

Use your senses

During sex, focus on your senses; absorb what each one of them is receiving.

See your lover’s body and facial expressions of pleasure; smell the fragrance of your lover’s body, mixed with yours. Taste your lover, taste yourself! Focus on your sexual sounds and your lover’s, allow yourself to free your sexual voice (if you’re in the mood, free your dirty talk!).

Sex is multi-sensorial, each one of the senses feeds your arousal. But in particular, the sight is a marvellous aphrodisiac.

My suggestion is for you to take a big mirror to the bedroom and put it in a place where you get a view of the bed. (Mirror sex is so sexy!)

When I first saw myself having sex in the mirror, it was a strange sensation; at the beginning, I barely looked. But as it was something I wanted to try, I pushed myself into looking. The result was brutal.

Seeing myself having sex — having pleasure with my lover — made me feel so sexy and powerful, completely in control of my body and my pleasures. I felt simultaneously so feminine and so animalistic.

Also, looking at my lover’s body while possessing me and to his pleasure faces drove me crazy!

Allying the visualisation of sex to the sexual sounds, feeling deeply the hands of your lover on your skin, grabbing your flesh, tasting their mouths and body; smelling the erotic sexual fragrances your bodies are releasing is part of sex. Embrace it all, feel it all.

Your senses feed your arousal: tease them, pay attention to what you’re receiving. Be turned-on by your own senses.

Answer these two questions:

To explore your erotic self-focus, answer the question: I turn myself on when…

Think about the touch that arouses you: how, where; with hands or a sex toy? With the lights on or off? In the bed, the sofa or outside?

Also, honestly answer the question: what restrictions am I setting to myself during sex?

Only after I answered this last question, I was able to improve my sex life. I had several things missing in my sex life, but for a long time, I wasn’t brave enough to answer the question. Until the day I did. And let me tell you: it was a revolution! Now, I’m having the best sex of my life.

You deserve to achieve all the pleasure in sex. But that is on you: you must know what you want and then make it happen.

Sexuality starts in your mind, in how you feel about yourself.

You won’t be able to have a fulfilled sexual experience if you don’t connect, deeply, with your body. For that, you must explore it, with all your senses; freeing your sensuality, embracing your pleasures — with no restrictions.

You should incorporate Erotic Self-focus in your life.

During sex, pay attention to your body: how you feel, how you look, how you react. Feed your arousal, through yourself. Let your sensuality be the way to achieve pleasure.

Make yourself desirable, not only for your sexual partner but (above all) for yourself. Focus on your own body, trust the pleasure it gives you — take it to the limits, explore all the pleasure your body can give you.

Focus on your erotic elf: your sex life will improve immensely.


© 2020 Emma London. All Rights Reserved.

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