7 tips on how to become (more) sexually confident
Confidence is one of the sexiest traits one can have. Knowing what you want, pursuit it, with posture and desire, and claiming it, it’s powerful. If you adopt this confidence in the bedroom, then this power becomes magnetic, addictive. It will create an unforgettable sexual experience.
Sexual confidence is something you own, and not something you do.
Saying this, it’s also important to refer that sexual confidence is fluid; you don’t have to feel it all the time. I consider myself to be a self-confident woman (in general, but certainly sexually) and I have days I feel anything but. However, it’s temporary; it’s not a state of mind, but a passing feeling.
Sexual confidence it’s about believing in who you are, knowing what your worth is, and don’t settle for less.
Sexual confidence derives from within you; it comes from the power of liking and accepting yourself as you are. It’s intimately related to self-esteem, which is fed by your self-image. You don’t have to have a “top model” body or to look like any standards of beauty: you have to be yourself, as you wish to be. Your real power comes from accepting yourself as you are, not by chasing an image imposed by external circles.
Your self-confidence resides in your honesty: you are exactly who you want to be.
It’s not easy to start accepting yourself as you are, trust me, I know. Sometimes we aren’t where we wish to be, but it’s ok wanting to look our best. But you need to be realistic: set achievable goals, don’t put yourself out for disappointment.
Your self-perception is the key ingredient to build healthy sexual confidence. Your sensuality and eroticism live inside you, waiting for you to embrace and release them. The more comfortable you are in your skin, the more you will know your sexual self.
What sexual confidence looks like
Being a sexually confident person goes beyond sexual performance. It’s about knowing your worth and not settle for less than what you deserve and desire. Carrying that energy with you during sex makes the experience liberating, fun and so enjoyable!
Also, because you trust your body — and enjoy it as it is — you aren’t self-conscious about it.
As a sexually confident person, you don’t hide your flaws: you accept them as part of yourself; they belong in pleasure as any other part of your body. You experience sex in its fulness
How to become more sexually confident
(Re)gaining your sexual confidence won’t happen overnight, as a wish come true. It will take work from you, investment and acceptance. Also, it will take practice; only after a few sexual encounters, incarnating your (new) sexual self, you will start to feel the real power of your confidence.
It takes courage to take risks, so don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Do it at your own pace, testing the waters, playing a bit with your limits. Be daring but never try to be someone who isn’t you (unless it’s role-playing, of course.)
To be effective and lasting, the change should be progressive. You need to build it up in time, knowing yourself and where your boundaries and curiosity goes. My best piece of advice is: have fun! It’s not about becoming better or be someone who isn’t you. It’s about uncovering something it’s already inside you, layer by layer; without ever losing the focus, pleasure and fun.
Let’s now see how you can get there, to be a sexually confident person:
First, if you haven’t (yet), you need to make peace with your body. Sexual confidence is deeply linked with self-image — one negative or underrated will be a barrier to self-confidence.
Confidence is something intrinsic; no one can feed it for you; it emerges from within.
Be honest answer this: if your partner, looking at what you consider be your biggest physical flaw, says “it’s beautiful”, do you feel it, in your guts, as being the truth? Exactly…
You must feel your beauty and empowerment for yourself. If you don’t, no matter how many times one will tell you otherwise, it won’t be enough. Of course, honest, positive feedback is a good contributor, but it will be your acceptance that will genuinely count to build up your self-confidence.
Self-confidence is a belief in yourself. You will be as attractive and sexy as you feel you are. So, ask yourself what do you need to change to achieve that degree of appreciation. It’s important to be realistic, ok? Start with minor changes, nothing like unhealthy diets and unrealistic fitness goals. Stay grounded.
2. Make time for erotic self-care
Investing in erotic self-care is one of the most important things to feed your sexual confidence. It’s about enjoying spending time with yourself, having your negative inner-critic voice turned off.
Erotic self-care is to desire yourself and to offer you physical and emotional pleasure. It’s about focusing on your erotic self.
Erotic self-care is the first step to empower your sexual confidence. It will help you let go of emotional and rational restraints and embrace yourself as you truly are: a beautiful, sensual, and sexualised person.
Start by asking yourself what gives you pleasure and entices your eroticism. Then simply offer it to yourself! Is it sexy lingerie? A bubble bath with candle lights and a glass of wine? Is it masturbating with a sex toy or manually? Watching porn? All of it?
Whatever makes you feel sexually empowered, erotic and tuned up with your body, you should prioritise it and make time for it to happen, often.
3. Learn about what turns you on
This seems obvious, but knowing how to satisfy yourself sexually is the best way to become more sexually confident. You will have the means to gift your body with unlimited pleasure.
Knowing what turns you on is the best way to build your sexual confidence.
The best way to know yourself intimately is through masturbation. It will help you be more comfortable and familiar with your body and, in consequence, to have the best experience possible during partnered sex. Not only because you will chase pleasure for yourself, as you will be able to guide your partner; you can tell them how to please you — with words or by guiding their bodies through yours.
Also, it might be easier and less intimidating to explore your body and self-discover your pleasures and soft points solo rather than with a partner. Masturbation is the perfect moment of intimacy, of self-awareness, of receiving pleasure with no other focus than yourself.
It also has other health and mental benefits, mainly for women, which you can read in my piece Masturbation as a way to female empowerment.
The more confident you are about your body, and with what gives you pleasure, the more confident you’ll be to communicate it to your partner, which is always the best way to upgrade your sex game.
4. Live for the mantra “I deserve pleasure”
Everybody deserves pleasure in their lives. Independent of age, status, physical limitations, weight, shape, sexual orientation…
Pleasure is a universal right, and you should always pursuit yours.
Sometimes we have so much going on in our lives that we neglect our pleasure, but as long you’re aware of it, it’s not problematic. You’re entitled to live on the dark side once in a while, but don’t stay there for long; come back, reclaim your power, live for pleasure; either solo or partnered.
5. Be mindful of sex
To enjoy sex in its full, you must be completely present; you must let go of all that doesn’t belong in the bedroom. It’s not easy, I know, but having your body entwined with your lover’s and your mind drifting away, thinking about whatever it’s thinking, does nothing for your sex life. Actually, it only undermines it, causing frustration and dissatisfaction.
Related article: How Mindfulness Improves Your Sex Life
Learn to be mindfulness in sex: turn off your mind, enjoy the pleasures that are being offered, feel the sensations your body is receiving, taste, smell, see your lover!
Be present and experience the best sex of your life.
6. Be sexually communicative with your lover
Either you are in a long-term relationship or having casual sex, the act itself it’s always about connection.
There’s always erotic energy connecting you to your lover.
If you go with the flow on that energy, if you play the erotic game free-bounded, the chances of your self-confidence taking power are immense. Having good communication with your lover is the best way to let sex flow this way, leading it to orgastic pleasures.
Your sexual partner isn’t a mind reader, so letting them know your desires is how you guarantee to have an unforgettable sexual experience.
By getting that optimisation in sex, you become more comfortable in voicing your desires and pursuing the type of pleasure you wish. But never forget also to be a good listener and offer your lover what they are communicating to you.
By learning how to communicate with your partner sexually, you are empowering yourself; you are growing your sexual confidence. In time, it will become easier to give names to your desires, to suggest new games, positions and sources of pleasures. And this is so powerfully sexy!
7. Have fun and let go fo “performance standards”
As we’ve seen above, being sexually confident is about embracing your body as it is — a source of pleasure. It’s letting go of insecurities, to accept the flaws as part of yourself and include them in the pleasure.
If you don’t adopt this posture, you’ll be more worried about hiding the bits of your body that you’re not happy with, rather than fully accept the pleasure is being given to you (be mindful, remember?).
Let go of everything that doesn’t belong in a sexual encounter and have fun, enjoy the pleasure!
Do this without thinking if you’re going to achieve orgasm; if your partner is having more pleasure with you than with a previous lover; if you should do “this or that”. Let go…
The only thing that will ensure an incredible sexual encounter is to be there — to be committed to each other’s pleasure; to pay attention to your lover’s body language and correspond, to always respect limits and consents, to passionately give and receive pleasure.
“Good” sex is about connection, pleasure, and fun. And those can only be present with you being relaxed, present in the moment and invested in giving your lover pleasure and allowing your body receiving the one at its disposal.
Sexual pleasure is intimately linked with power. Power to orgasm whenever you wish; power to pursuit new sexual sensations, power to be adventurous and daring. Power to be curious, to try new things and decide if you want to repeat them or not.
Being in charge of your sexual pleasure will come to you, effortlessly, if you allow it and do some in-work. Start by accepting the fact you will never have a “perfect body”. Improve what you can and embrace it as it is — the pleasure has no measures or weight, it’s sensed with the skin, with touching, through connection.
Build up your sexual confidence and rewrite your sexual narrative — make pleasure a priority. Own it; there’s no bigger power than that.
®2020 Emma London. All rights reserved.